Roberto Di Matteo has been having some incredible managerial form lately. This is beyond debate. As is the fact that his head looks like a little nut.

This has been a common observation for some time, but a study this week has shown that his head actually IS a nut. This explains why Roman Abramovich is so reluctant to give him the job. He has a nut allergy and if exposed to them his internal organs will surge out of every one of his orifices simultaneously and his eyeballs will boil. Understandable that he isn’t to keen on sign on the dotted line then.

It also explains why Fernando Torres has started to play well. It is thought that Di Matteo’s nutty goodness has boosted Fernando’s vitamin E levels. And everyone knows that vitamin E makes you play football better.

Di Matteo’s brief reign has brought Chelsea out of the dark and has seen an influx of squirrels to the streets of Kensington. Let’s hope that Abramovich can put his allergy aside and welcome the nut with open arms. 

 
This coming week, as I’m sure you all know, is the 100th Anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic. Still an epic and engaging tale, it continues to fascinate us even to this day. There are many myths and legends surrounding the doomed vessel, with one of the more prominent ones being the tale of the band.

If you don’t know, the story goes that Wallace Hartley and his band of musicians valiantly and poignantly played a rendition of ‘Nearer My God To Thee’ as the ship went down that night.

But ElevenFiftySix have actually unearthed some previously unknown information that WILL shock you. Not only did Wallace and his pals not play ‘Nearer My God To Thee’, they were not even a classical string quintet.

They were in fact one of the foremost Rap and MC collectives of their day. What’s that you say? Hip Hop was not born until the 1970′s. Well, you are wrong. Wallace himself was the main MC, frequently spitting rhymes about ‘chicks in their big ass frumpy frocks’ and more. In fact, I have evidence that the final tune that the band played whilst the ship was sinking was in fact an early rendition of ‘Fuck Wit Dre’, which household name Dr. Dre then went on to steal and claim as his own.

Fact.

Sales of swivel chairs have gone through the roof as a new craze has taken television audiences by storm. Many viewers of BBC’s ‘The Voice’ have bought a swivel chair wanting to imitate celebrity judges Tom Jones, Jessie J and Will Smith by playing along with the show at home.

But an unlikely character has spoken out against this new craze, labelling it ‘dangerous’ and ‘irresponsible’.

Ernst Stavro Blofeld, self-employed supervillain and archenemy to James Bond, claims that he was ‘just a normal guy’ until he bought a Bravin leather swivel chair in the 1940s.

“I have no doubt that the chair turned me into a megalomaniac. I had never had a diabolical thought until I experienced the swivelling. This new craze could spell mass death, and I’ve got news for you – you don’t live twice, Ian Fleming was a liar”

In the 1970s Blofeld had a collection of over 3,000 swivel chairs to accompany the many lasers and stolen warheads housed in his giant underground lair on a remote Japanese island.

He now lives in Torquay and collects postcards.

Wayne Rooney accidentally broke the wrist of a young fan at Manchester Utd’s game against Wolves at the weekend. Rooney was doing shooting practice in the warm up and blasted the ball straight into the child’s wrist- causing it to shatter into approximately 2 billion pieces.

But what you might not know is that this was no accident. This is in fact a common practice, especially amongst the Mormon population.

I’ve sourced evidence that Rooney himself is employed by the Mormon church to blast footballs at the wrists of young children who even threaten to entertain the thought of masturbation.

Rooney, along with footballers like Stan Collymore, Alan Shearer and Didier Drogba are employed for the power and accuracy of their shooting to visit Mormon churches across the world, firing footballs at the wrists of children who have been spotted
with their hands lurking precariously close to
their underwear.

Rooney told ElevenFiftySix:

“At the warm up on Sunday, I just saw the kid reach for his zipper, and instinct took over.”

Tulisa Contostavlos has admitted that it is in fact her appearing in a recently leaked sex tape. After initially denying that she was the woman performing what has been deemed sub-par fellatio, she took to YouTube to confirm the rumours. Tulisa said on the video:

“I’ve never been the type – regardless of being in the public eye – to sit down and keep my mouth shut about anything”

And I can certainly confirm after seeing the tape, that she is 100% correct there.

You may have seen George Osborne brandishing the tattered old ‘Budget Box’ in front of the cameras this week, as all Chancellors before him have done. But what you might not know is that this box is actually a decoy……

The real budget box is not used for the budget announcement at all. In fact, it’s sole use since the 1200s has been to house the smelly farts of each Chancellor of The Exchequer – A strange tradition that is said to have been started by King Arthur’s only son, Jeff Arthur. 

It is rumoured that David Cameron forces the faces of any member of Downing Street staff that disobeys him  – such as interns, doormen and cleaners – into the open budget box, or as Cameron calls it, ‘the chokey’. Cameron has been quoted as saying:

 ”Without doubt Gordon Brown’s were the worst on record, in fact he actively gorged himself on broccoli, cabbage, and beans when he knew the next budget announcement
was coming up – taking things to a whole
new level’. Future Downing Street employees
beware…..

We all knew AVB was DOA since he got that STD from FDR in a JCB. But after Chelsea’s latest loss to West Brom in the Premier league and their royal fisting courtesy of Napoli in the Champions League, the inevitable has come to pass.

When will people learn that all wealthy Russians are insane? The Chelsea F.C managing job has often been described as a ‘poisoned chalice’, and yet it for me it bears more similarity to a condom lined with sulphuric acid and sea salt. There is nothing enticing about it – unless you are into kinky shit (Wayne Rooney)

Why would a manager want the job? You work with a sociopath breathing down your spine, you have to engage the ageing squad with daily rimming sessions to boost their fragile egos, and Clarkson is a fan.

Every manager should snub the job and let Abramovich do it himself. Let him experience the condom of death that he has created.

5 things the world needs more of…

 
Last month we saw Beast’s 5 things the world needs less of…, however I was chosen to write this article since I’m a bit more optimistic than Beast (he also couldn’t narrow his options down to five). Here is a list of things I think the world needs more of.
 
Racist, sexist and homophobic jokes.
I don’t think that ethnic minorities, women and gays realise that we find them so silly

Honest tributes when someone dies
News Reporter: “What kind of boy was he?”
Local Man: “He was a little shit at times and had a crap fashion sense. I can’t believe he had a girlfriend. But I’m sure if he got older he would have realised what a bastard he was and changed his ways”

Clint Eastwood
He doesn’t take shit from anyone. Not even from himself.

Karma police
Lying, cheating arseholes outnumber karma police by a ratio of 200,000:1 – For just £2 a month we can get Clint on the case.

Quicksand
You never see it anywhere, and it would be a great way to get rid of homeless people.

Anfield, Liverpool
Nowhere in England is hotter right now if racially abusing footballers and doing monkey impressions is your bag.

Emirates Stadium, London
Looking for somewhere quiet to read a book? Or fancy feeling what it’s like to be an astronaut? Look no further than the Emirates stadium, its lack of atmosphere replicates outer space – On a quiet day… 

Allianz Arena, Somewhere in Germany
How could a stadium that looks like a giant tampon not be on the list? Gotta love those pervy Germans. Gimp Suit Park in Berlin just missed out on the list.

Wembley Stadium, London
The place has the charm of a frigid child beating spinster, and during friendlies you could hear an amoeba at the other side of the ground fart. 

Celtic Park, Glasgow
One visitor said “It’s like Legoland in the middle of a drug den” – Something for all the family then!

You can listen to a trailer for the album here

It is being hailed as the greatest compilation album since Compiled Hits: a compilation of the nation’s favourite compilation CDs, and Suction Gold: 60 club classics providing your perfect soundtrack for Hoovering.

Strange noises, few words features the shriekings and mumblings of some of the world’s biggest artists. It was released only 3 months ago but has already outsold Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon, which is ironically an album consisting of stranger noises and fewer words.

In my personal opinion the album is brilliant. Dylan’s muttering is more politically driven than ever (I think…) and Costello’s moaning is like something you’d hear from the innards of a seal abattoir.