News has never been so authentically fabricated
World News
406 days
by Judson McGinty
in World News
Name That Tune
This coming week, as I’m sure you all know, is the 100th Anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic. Still an epic and engaging tale, it continues to fascinate us even to this day. There are many myths and legends surrounding the doomed vessel, with one of the more prominent ones being the tale of the band.
If you don’t know, the story goes that Wallace Hartley and his band of musicians valiantly and poignantly played a rendition of ‘Nearer My God To Thee’ as the ship went down that night.
But ElevenFiftySix have actually unearthed some previously unknown information that WILL shock you. Not only did Wallace and his pals not play ‘Nearer My God To Thee’, they were not even a classical string quintet.
Aint Nothin’ But A Sea Thang. The band spin their shit in an inaccurate film adaptation
They were in fact one of the foremost Rap and MC collectives of their day. What’s that you say? Hip Hop was not born until the 1970′s. Well, you are wrong. Wallace himself was the main MC, frequently spitting rhymes about ‘chicks in their big ass frumpy frocks’ and more. In fact, I have evidence that the final tune that the band played whilst the ship was sinking was in fact an early rendition of ‘Fuck Wit Dre’, which household name Dr. Dre then went on to steal and claim as his own.
Fact.
411 days
by Bob Mousse
in World News
Blofeld: Swivel chair made me evil
Sales of swivel chairs have gone through the roof as a new craze has taken television audiences by storm. Many viewers of BBC’s ‘The Voice’ have bought a swivel chair wanting to imitate celebrity judges Tom Jones, Jessie J and Will Smith by playing along with the show at home.
But an unlikely character has spoken out against this new craze, labelling it ‘dangerous’ and ‘irresponsible’.
Swivel Let Die
Ernst Stavro Blofeld, self-employed supervillain and archenemy to James Bond, claims that he was ‘just a normal guy’ until he bought a Bravin leather swivel chair in the 1940s.
“I have no doubt that the chair turned me into a megalomaniac. I had never had a diabolical thought until I experienced the swivelling. This new craze could spell mass death, and I’ve got news for you – you don’t live twice, Ian Fleming was a liar”
In the 1970s Blofeld had a collection of over 3,000 swivel chairs to accompany the many lasers and stolen warheads housed in his giant underground lair on a remote Japanese island.
He now lives in Torquay and collects postcards.
425 days
by Judson McGinty
in World News
Famous person comes clean about controversial event
Tulisa Contostavlos has admitted that it is in fact her appearing in a recently leaked sex tape. After initially denying that she was the woman performing what has been deemed sub-par fellatio, she took to YouTube to confirm the rumours. Tulisa said on the video:
Tulisa apologises
“I’ve never been the type – regardless of being in the public eye – to sit down and keep my mouth shut about anything”
And I can certainly confirm after seeing the tape, that she is 100% correct there.