News has never been so authentically fabricated
Archive for April, 2012
387 days
by Judson McGinty
in Sports News
Di Matteo has a little nut head
Roberto Di Matteo has been having some incredible managerial form lately. This is beyond debate. As is the fact that his head looks like a little nut.
This has been a common observation for some time, but a study this week has shown that his head actually IS a nut. This explains why Roman Abramovich is so reluctant to give him the job. He has a nut allergy and if exposed to them his internal organs will surge out of every one of his orifices simultaneously and his eyeballs will boil. Understandable that he isn’t to keen on sign on the dotted line then.
The Nutty Professor
It also explains why Fernando Torres has started to play well. It is thought that Di Matteo’s nutty goodness has boosted Fernando’s vitamin E levels. And everyone knows that vitamin E makes you play football better.
Di Matteo’s brief reign has brought Chelsea out of the dark and has seen an influx of squirrels to the streets of Kensington. Let’s hope that Abramovich can put his allergy aside and welcome the nut with open arms.
405 days
by Judson McGinty
in World News
Name That Tune
This coming week, as I’m sure you all know, is the 100th Anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic. Still an epic and engaging tale, it continues to fascinate us even to this day. There are many myths and legends surrounding the doomed vessel, with one of the more prominent ones being the tale of the band.
If you don’t know, the story goes that Wallace Hartley and his band of musicians valiantly and poignantly played a rendition of ‘Nearer My God To Thee’ as the ship went down that night.
But ElevenFiftySix have actually unearthed some previously unknown information that WILL shock you. Not only did Wallace and his pals not play ‘Nearer My God To Thee’, they were not even a classical string quintet.
Aint Nothin’ But A Sea Thang. The band spin their shit in an inaccurate film adaptation
They were in fact one of the foremost Rap and MC collectives of their day. What’s that you say? Hip Hop was not born until the 1970′s. Well, you are wrong. Wallace himself was the main MC, frequently spitting rhymes about ‘chicks in their big ass frumpy frocks’ and more. In fact, I have evidence that the final tune that the band played whilst the ship was sinking was in fact an early rendition of ‘Fuck Wit Dre’, which household name Dr. Dre then went on to steal and claim as his own.
Fact.
411 days
by Bob Mousse
in World News
Blofeld: Swivel chair made me evil
Sales of swivel chairs have gone through the roof as a new craze has taken television audiences by storm. Many viewers of BBC’s ‘The Voice’ have bought a swivel chair wanting to imitate celebrity judges Tom Jones, Jessie J and Will Smith by playing along with the show at home.
But an unlikely character has spoken out against this new craze, labelling it ‘dangerous’ and ‘irresponsible’.
Swivel Let Die
Ernst Stavro Blofeld, self-employed supervillain and archenemy to James Bond, claims that he was ‘just a normal guy’ until he bought a Bravin leather swivel chair in the 1940s.
“I have no doubt that the chair turned me into a megalomaniac. I had never had a diabolical thought until I experienced the swivelling. This new craze could spell mass death, and I’ve got news for you – you don’t live twice, Ian Fleming was a liar”
In the 1970s Blofeld had a collection of over 3,000 swivel chairs to accompany the many lasers and stolen warheads housed in his giant underground lair on a remote Japanese island.
He now lives in Torquay and collects postcards.