News has never been so authentically fabricated
Archive for January, 2012
477 days
by Beast
in World News
Oscars 2012 predictions
The most popular predictions for the Oscars. (calculated by blog posts, tweets and other meaningless shit)
Most pointless casting of a Hollywood star
Sean Penn (The Tree Of Life)
Best actor to put on a different voice from his own in a film
Gary Oldman (Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy)
Best Director
Woody Allen (Neurotic Jewish guy analyses his life failings)
Best picture exploiting the love humans have for animals
War Horse
The John Williams total domination award for music
John Williams (Spielberg and Williams do it again)
Obligatory Meryl Streep award
Meryl Streep (Strong Willed Woman)
Best little French moustache
Jean Dujardin (The Artist)
482 days
by Beast
in World News
5 things the world needs less of…
I am ElevenFiftySix’s resident miserable bastard. People often look to me for guidance when it comes to putting things in perspective. Here is a list of what I think the world needs less of.
Ready meals
They never taste good and only make you feel hollow inside. Even the M&S ones.
Americans
Bred to sue. Not all Americans sue compulsively, but most do. When they read this they will put down their ‘BIG EAT’ bag of cheesy Doritos, heave themselves to the phone, stop midway to catch their breath (taking a mental note to sue their doctor for not ensuring their perfect health) continue making their way to the phone and then sue whoever compiled this report (me).
Films starring Michael Cera
He always plays the same character
Green activists
Face it. We’re all fucked. You’re only prolonging the inevitable so just give up and let us burn out before we’re able to colonise Mars and screw that up too.
People under 35 called Monty
Chances are that you’re a twat and you wear tan brown cords
Honourable mention:
War and famine
They didn’t quite cut the mustard
Next month: 5 things the world needs more of…
487 days
by Bob Mousse
in World News
Ditch Flower of Scotland before 2014 games
Leading piper Sandy McDonald believes Flower of Scotland is “an outdated, depressing and politically embarrassing national anthem”
“In two years time the world will be watching us” McDonald told ElevenFiftySix, “We need a new anthem that is more uplifting”
“A new anthem should be composed focusing on modern Scotland, acknowledging our industries such as oil and shipbuilding, as well as the unique modern aspects of our great cities”
Sandy McDonald. Voted Scotland’s biggest noob 2011
Although people have said that this would create a mind numbingly dull and spiritless national anthem, Mr McDonald has not given up, and has written the song to try and win people over.
“I’ve made what sounds like a boring topic very rousing. People should well up with national pride when they hear this baby”
Here are the lyrics from the first two verses:
Scotland is a nation of many a port
In 2009, food and beverages were our biggest export
The chemical industry is very profitable
The electrical engineering industry is also very profitable
The Glasgow Renfrew Street Cineworld is the tallest on earth
Edinburgh was the place of Sean Connery’s birth
Aberdeen is a centre of oil and gas
Shell and BP have very large and important Headquarters there