News has never been so authentically fabricated
Archive for November, 2011
539 days
by Bob Mousse
in World News
Dappy is an endangered species
When people speculated that Dappy might be related to McLovin, he was prompted to visit a clinic to get his DNA checked out. But no one was prepared for what happened next. After extensive scientific research it has been revealed that Dappy is not human at all. We asked Dr. Mario Enzola for the full story.
“He’s what we call a Nimp. It’s sort of a cross between a chimp and a naked mole rat. He has very little hair growth – which explains that weird, sleazy half-moustache thing he has, and also explains why he covers up most of the time in his trademark hats”
Nimp
An amazing discovery, but it’s not all good news. It turns out that Nimps are on the endangered species list. As such, Conservation charity Save the Nimps have stepped in to ensure Dappy is safe at all times. But this has proven an obstruction to his working life.
“We don’t like him playing live, there’s a very high risk from poachers” said Susanne Jeremy, founder of Save the Nimps
And she’s right. Mid-way through an N-dubz gig last year Dappy was suddenly ensnared in a large net that was fired from the audience. Luckily staff managed to catch the poacher and the concert was allowed to continue.
Later on in the same tour Dappy went missing hours before a concert. When promoters phoned round to find out what had happened, they discovered that he had been kidnapped and sold to a city zoo.
But despite all the danger and hysteria Dappy seems unfazed by the whole thing.
“I’m just happy I wasn’t related to McLovin” he told reporters
539 days
by Bob Mousse
in World News
Last rumour mill in UK shut down
It has stood for over 120 years and is one of the oldest and most loved Rumour mills in the country, having produced classic rumours such as ‘Hedgehogs evolved from the Cactus’ and ’15% of clouds are driven by spite’ . But a much afeared rumour from elsewhere has finally become a reality – recent government cuts are forcing Fontworth mill to close its doors.
A rumour runs through it
It is only the fourth time in the Mill’s history that the mechanisms have been stopped. Two of those were during minor fires, and the other was because staff heard a rumour that the Moon was set to fall to Earth that day, failing to realise the story was one of their own.
Other than that it has been running every day, even over Christmas and New Year, as well as through both the First and Second World Wars. But today marked its very last rumour -
“Clint Eastwood was actually born ‘Donald Dweebus’ but changed his name using his hometown of East Clintwood as inspiration”
The government described the closure as ‘inevitable’, saying that the rumour milling industry in the UK was dead.
“Rumour Milling is a very base industry, no one here wants to do it anymore. People have realised that they can make bigger bucks spinning bullshit in industries such as Media, Journalism and Politics”
So in memory of a national institution and as a farewell to Fontworth Mill, lets take a look at some of the best Rumours ever produced:
Other than Humans, Penguins are the only animal that fellate each other
Old gravy is twenty times more effective than sun tan lotion
Sony means ‘Dangerous mucus overload’ in Hungarian
Gerard Depardieu isn’t French at all. He’s from Grimsby
When a Deer becomes embarrassed, it’s antlers double in size
539 days
by Bob Mousse
in World News
Secret tapes reveal Jackie O as vulgar
She is possibly the most loved and revered first lady the US has ever had, but behind closed doors Jackie Kennedy was a foul mouthed beer guzzling demon woman with an insatiable sexual appetite.
In secret tapes revealed for the first time after 47 years, she described civil rights leader Martin Luther King as ‘a fat c**t’ and Bing Crosby as a ‘Banana faced B*****d of a p***k a**l bead eggnog f****er’
Foul
People all over the world loved Jackie for her elegance and grace, and were impressed by her love for early 19th century French decor, thinking it showed class and taste. What they didn’t know was that this was all an act. Her private rooms in the White House were plastered with smutty pornographic wallpaper, some of which was three dimensional.
The secret tapes give a greater insight into her sexual depravity when she talks about Elvis Presley.
“I’d tap that any day of the week. I’d dominate him, make him wear dirty workmen’s overalls and get him to blow bubble bath up my arse” – at which point she belches, and the topic of conversation shifts to the Cuban missile crisis.
The tapes were recorded in 1963, but were not made public at the request of her husband President John F Kennedy
“You can’t say that on tape you f***ing stupid cow! You’ve got a c***ing reputation to uphold” he can be overheard saying in one recording session.
The tapes have now been released as part of Sony’s ‘Revered celebrities are perverts just like the rest of us’ CD collection