Archive for September, 2011
Thick rims will make you an artistic genius
For years it has been a common misconception that people with glasses are more intelligent than their two-eyed counterparts. But recent scientific research into thickly rimmed glasses shows that there could be some truth in the myth.
“They immediately make you more quirky and unique, boosting creativity and artsiness” said Professor Strom – leader of the study. “The thicker the rim, the more arty you become”
Josh Hartnett, Mark Ronson and Bieber have all worn the glasses, with Scarlett Johansson being a keen spokesperson for them.
“They are fantastic. They work overnight. I wear them whenever I need to look really smart and when I’m being directed by superstars like Woody Allen. They make me more approachable for his whole ‘I’m old enough to be your dad, but I’m still going to try and get into you – because let’s face it, who could refuse my genius‘ act.
“Of course, I don’t wear them all the time – that would be silly – it’s not as though I actually need glasses. I’m not some kind of freak”
The thick rimmed glasses now join the flat cap, which was proven to make you more arty earlier this year.
Face/Off becomes latest 4-D experience
In an age where many newly released films exploit the gimmick of 3-D to mask ineptitude, it was only a matter of time before Hollywood came up with the next fad – and to introduce it with style they have developed a 90s action classic.
‘Face/Off’, starring John Travolta and Nicolas Cage, tells the story of an FBI agent who inherits the face of an infamous terrorist in order to go undercover and discover the location of a bomb. It was the inspiration for the seminal TV shows ‘Mug swap’ and ‘Countenance transaction’.
At the beginning of the film, the audience experience pyrotechnics and wind machines to replicate the famous airport sequence – not the most exciting stuff in the world, but everything really kicks off when John Travolta receives state of the art face surgery.
For this, Paramount Pictures have enlisted 50 of the best cosmetic surgeons in the world – who at a designated time in the film parade into the theatre and begin to remove the faces of audience members, replacing them with faces of other audience members. More fun occurrences include Doves being released into the audience (a trademark of director John Woo)
During one of the many shootouts in the film, a deluge of razor sharp broken glass is unleashed on the audience from above, followed by a torrent of salt water in a later scene. This has many health and safety experts up in arms.
“The Doves might get hurt. Salt water slightly irritates their skin” said one.
Paramount have insisted on keeping the Doves as part of the experience, but it may not be long until they are removed. Aside from the salt water issue, the birds have attacked spectators in twelve of the fifteen screenings. Specialists claim that the overwhelming smell of burning flesh from the surgery gives them an appetite for carnage.
Face/Off 4-D is in cinemas now, but possibly not for long…
Tate Britain is no more
After 114 years the Tate Britain has closed its doors – following the news that the basement coffee shop is more popular than the art gallery.
The historic museum reeled in around 2 million art lovers last year, whilst the coffee shop (run by Tate) in the basement had approximately 3.5 million visitors.
“It shows that more than a million people are just coming for Tea and biscuits and then buggering off” said gallery director Paulie Beau.
Initially sceptical of the results, Mr. Beau decided to conduct more tests. But a clear trend emerged. In a survey given to guests, the art on show was branded ‘stale crap’ whilst the scones provided by the cafe were classed as ‘transcendent and sublime’
But what about the art? The famed and legendary collections of Gainsborough, Reynolds, Romney, Lawrence and more?
‘We’re just gonna bin it. There’s too much of this stuff floating about. How many pictures of people sitting for a portrait do you need? Seen one, Seen ‘em all. And don’t even get me started on the pictures of Jesus…”
Mr. Beau and the board have decided to retain the intimate basement coffee shop, instead of expanding and turning the entire building into a coffee megastore
“People seem to like the cosiness of the current coffee shop. It isn’t broke, so we won’t fix it. The rest of the building will just remain empty”
The Tate Britain is the second major gallery to close its doors this year, after the National Gallery was converted into the world’s largest hall of mirrors.